Tuesday, 5 August 2008

The Five Worst Characters In Ocarina Of Time

Not everything about Ocarina of Time is brilliant. In fact, there are many things which are completely frustrating and hateable. Most of them are characters. While there are some cool character concepts and personalities present in the game, there also happen to by many characters that are completely horrible. Worst thing? None of the characters die during the course of the game (technically). Damn you, Nintendo!

When you start the game you go are asked to find your weapons and then solve a dungeon, all on your own, with no help, and things are good. It’s dangerous and startling, all up until you leave your home and reach the rest of the World, only to be stopped in your tracks by a giant owl who proceeds to tell you a load of boring crap about himself and what he thinks about you, giving a few subtle hints about what you should do next – “GO TO THE CASTLE, ELF-BITCH”. Creepiest of all, it does this whilst swivelling it’s head 360 degrees in a circle, vertically. See, the owl has two faces, each of which is more disturbing than the other. As you go through on your quest, diligently killing every animal that you meet on the way, this damn owl keeps popping up to give you his thoughts and opinions on how well you’re doing. You can’t even skip his dialogue! It’s insanely irritating.

At least the owl has the manners to not butt into your thoughts every five seconds with these opinions of his, however. As your fairy guide, Navi is constantly with you, updating you every five seconds with her useless knowledge and sense of direction – walk towards ‘Goron Mountain’ for example. Don’t take your time, though! If you are too slow, then Navi will jump up and confront you, telling you that ‘maybe we should go to Goron Mountain?’ She’s even more useless than the owl, in that respect. However, she does help you with your targeting system, which is fair enough.

A few days ago we made reference to a level where Link has to look after a young girl whilst battling through a dungeon. That’s a level set inside a whale’s stomach, incidentally, and the girl in question is called Princess Ruto. She owns a mystical gem that you need to complete the game, but she just so happens to accidentally get eaten by Lord Jabu-Jabu, said giant whale, before you can take it. Then you have to follow her in and rescue her from her own pet whale. Now, nobody likes to have to do the ‘rescue the useless character’ section of any game, but the worst bit is that Ruto is doing this ON PUPOSE. She sits down halfway through, crosses her arms, and refuses to go any further unless you carry her. And then she tries to make out with you at the end? Dude!

If there is any character that creeps me out, then it is The Happy Mask Salesman. His coked-up antics as he talks to you about his mask are the stuff of nightmares, and in the subsequent game he got even scarier. I hate him.

Of all the monsters in the game, however, there aren’t that many terrifying ones. Down the well are some completely retarded things that grab you and don’t let go, and there are some shocks, but nothing really terrifying. Oh, except for the Re-deads. These zombielike things which are presumably the zombie remains of the nice civilians you meet early on in the game wander round uselessly, until you go near. At which point they frickin’ scream at you. It’s horrible! For nothing more than the petrifying screams they make, the re-deads are the worst enemies in the game.

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