Friday, 7 March 2008

Places You Shouldn’t Be Taking Your Infant Baby

Place 1: An Aeroplane

Nobody prepares a holiday a year before they actually go off on their flight to Spain or Canada or wherever they want to visit, so how come there are so many infants on flights? Nature gives you nine whole month of prep before the baby is born, so booking a flight that will take place within a year of conception is madness. There is literally no benefit to flying your baby over to a new country. Not only will they remember nothing once they grow up, but it’ll cost more money to transport them, and you’ll have to spend almost all your time in this beautiful new place changing nappies and everything you do will have to be carefully structured around naptime. So please, parents of the world, stop taking your babies on flights. Nobody is going to win from this, especially not the people who have to withstand hours of crying onboard the plane whilst the baby tries to understand why their ears just popped. And in a confined space like a plane, this sort of thing tends to build up and build up until everyone on board carries a grudge against you and will happily make your life a hell if they ever see you again. You’re sabotaging yourself more than anything else, parents – stop it.

Place 2: Down a Mine Shaft

Yes, this has really happened to me. If you thought the wailing of a newborn child could not be any more irritating than when experienced in a plane, try listening to the echoing cry of a baby who is in an underground tunnel dripping with damp and without natural lighting. Not one part of a mine shaft would appeal to any baby in their right mind, featuring all the things they try to spend their lives avoiding – darkness, water, the cold, and the working classes. And if you don’t believe that all babies have a fear of the working class, try taking one to an industrial factory and see how much they love it there. The simple fact is that a baby’s call is designed to be irritating to other people, this is how nature works, so imagine what happens when this crying just so happens to be amplified to insane levels by the cave system of the underground. Not pleasant at all. It calls into question the intelligence of a parent that they feel a trip down a mine shaft is something they really must do while they still have the chance, as if once their child has grown up and left home the experience of going down into the tunnels will have waned somehow. Or perhaps the belief is that they wish to see the coal before their eyesight deteriorates as old-age sets in. If this is indeed the case, parents of the world, then here’s a helpful point to keep in mind: THERE’S NOT A BLOODY LOT TO SEE IN A MINE SHAFT. There is no situation in which taking your baby underground would ever clarify being an appropriate way of spending time, so take your child and lump off!

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