Wednesday, 9 January 2008

Twin Cinema: Things Films Told Us (Part 1)

Films are a very important thing indeed. Not only do they entertain, but they educate. How many people knew America saved us all in WWII until the movies told us? Eh? Seriously, we all need to watch films more often, because they have so much important information to tell us. Here are a selection of some of the things I think we can all agree we’ve learnt because of the movie industry.

Chinese people have magic powers
If you’re ever in a fight with someone Chinese, be afraid, because they’re brilliant at fighting. Not only are they able to walk on water and slow down time to avoid your bullets/sword/punches, but they can totally fly, dude! Seriously, the Chinese have all got some kind of crazy magic powers, because they are unaffected by gravity. If they get hit, they’ll float backwards and land on their feet. If they want to jump incredibly high, they will, and if they want to jump off a building and survive, then yeah, they can do that too. The only hope you have in a fight with a Chinese person is if you yourself also happen to be Chinese, or a blonde female.

Strippers and prostitutes are nice people
If you see a prostitute standing at the side of the road and pull over, they will call you “darlin’” and ask if you fancy a good time. If you say yes, then they get in the car with you and you’ll have great sex, and afterwards they’ll talk to you and reveal their life story. Inevitably, this will include a dying and/or disabled little sister, kids, and a drug addict good for nothing ex-boyfriend. The girl is only doing it for her kids! In no way will she be riddled with disease or scary, and if she does start screaming and breaking things, eventually she’ll break down, start to cry, and then pay you for costs.

People with things in common never end up together
Every couple you see walking down the road together, hand in hand? You can trust that they have absolutely nothing in common. Whenever someone meets the man/woman who is destined to be their soul-mate, it’s natural to hate them for a short while until you realise that it is their mind-numbingly horrible laugh or painfully bad taste in music that ultimately, is what you love in them. Nobody loves each other just for being themselves; they love each other because otherwise they’d hate each other. When people with things in common meet, expect one of them to fight the other.

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