The World Is Ruined Because Of….

Girlfriends!

“Oh, but girlfriends are great things!” you shout. “You can have sex with them and they buy you things for your birthday and talk to you when you’re bored and they do all manner of nice things!” Yes, but they are also ruining the World. For why? Let me explain.

Point 1: When a girl becomes a “girl-friend”, she is immediately taken off the singles market and becomes unattainable to anyone who isn’t her boyfriend of Jude Law. She’s gone, possibly forever. She will make no more good male friends once she has a boyfriend, because she doesn’t need them anymore. While guys can have many female friends whilst in a relationship, often to the irritation of the girlfriend, girls tend to only have one good male friend when they are in a relationship. Stands to reason, then, that this means that girls become less friendly once they are a girlfriend. They are also less inclined to go out, it seems, which makes them more isolated. They tend to continue to stay friends with the people they knew before they became part of a couple, but make few new friends, instead tagging along with the boyfriend’s friends. All of this is all very well and good, but it puts the girl in danger if there is ever a breakup. Not only will she lose all the friends that she met through her boyfriend, because their loyalty is to him and not her, but she will likely also find herself with fewer friends that when she first entered into the relationship, due to her placing her boyfriend on a higher pedestal than her friends. Perhaps.

Point 2: A girlfriend is defined by her inability to spend a day without making inane phone calls to her boyfriend about nothing. Were it not for girlfriends, there would be half the number of phone-calls and thus BT would make all their tariffs cheaper because there is a lesser dependency on them. Phone companies would lose their power, if girlfriends ceased to be around.

Point 3: On a similar note, girlfriends tend to be very fond of sending asinine cards to their boyfriends for no reason, as well as sending letters to their friends which just ‘happen’ to mention the fact they have a boyfriend now, so suck on that, Tessa! Anyway, the point is that girlfriends are almost certainly responsible for the World’s need to tear down the rainforests to provide enough paper for their whimsical needs. Get rid of girlfriends, and we don’t need to get rid of some many trees each year.

Point 4: This is the one about sex. There are a lot of people who have sex, and a lot of people who do not have sex. Women of the world, when you get into a couple, you make it impossible for anyone to have sex with you except for, as previously noted, your boyfriend and Jude Law. This is exclusion on a grand scale, because you are here setting yourself up as better than all the sexless losers who are celibate because of your monogamy. You exclude people from sex, which is a horrible thing to do. The mere act of being a girlfriend prevents other people from having sex with you, which is a cruel and unnecessary act on your behalf. Think about other people for once, and stop being so monogamous.

Point 5: Girlfriends are, without exception, incredibly annoying. And you can’t argue that one!


Yes, I am currently single, but you know what else is interesting to note? Shut up.