Monday, 7 March 2011

Capital FM is Attempting To Destroy Yorkshire

Sometimes I write articles which everyone can enjoy. Sometimes I write them for an audience of about seven people. Luckily, seven people makes up the majority of the readership of Wilftonville, so it doesn’t matter too much when I write about a radio station exclusive only to certain parts of England. Capital FM is one of the most popular commercial radio stations in England, based in London. The station is probably a little less popular than Classical FM, but I haven’t done any research as per tradition so that’s all guesswork and hear’ say. It’s pure and simple that Capital FM, one of the most popular non-BBC stations in Britain, should expand their reach and attempt to appeal to other parts of the country. Nation. Whatever England is.

Capital FM used to only be received in London, you see, while Yorkshire has its own set of local radio stations which reference local events and don’t play the weather forecast because the weather forecast never changes in Yorkshire: it’s always raining. But as of 2011, things have changed.

As showcased in this advert featuring Rihanna (of “is it spelt Rhianna or Rihanna?” fame) and the Black Eyed Peas, Capital FM are moving their radio towers so they can cover the whole of our nation/country/colony. This is good news for all of us who enjoy listening to Bruno Mars' extensive back-catalogue of songs, as they are played every ten minutes or so on the station, but what does it mean for the country as a whole? This must be a good thing, right? More choice?

Well no, as you may have surmised from the title of this article. I believe strongly that Capital FM are attempting to ruin Yorkshire forever. And now to explain myself!!!!

Looking through the Capital FM playlist, it’s notable (as anything is notable if you own a notepad, I suppose) to note (with your notepad, remember) that there are no performers there from the North of the country. There’s no Kaiser Chiefs. Or Corinne-Bailey Rae. Instead we have Olly Murs and Adele and there’s not even any Diana Vickers on there. To explain this for anyone from ‘not the UK’ who is still inexplicably reading this blog which surely makes no sense to them, every single artist on the Capital FM playlist is either from London or America. Every. Single. One.

So logically, it must be seen that as the NSDAP systematically ruled out the existence of all newspapers which were not NSDAP newspapers, or how FOX is one-by-one buying all the channels which opposes FOX, Capital FM are replacing all Yorkshire music with London music. Boring, grimy, London music. Why would anyone want to listen to music by people from London? What have they got to sing about – the high price or property, or the congestion charge? Yorkshire, Lancashire, even Liverpoolshire are places of natural beauty and unnatural lyricism. We are the counties where GREEN THINGS grow, where people go to escape London because it’s so boring. So why would we want to listen to London music while walking through the Lake District with a hot-pot in one hand and a can of Tetleys in the other?

Capital FM wants you to believe that Yorkshire doesn't exist. CONFOUND THEM by picking up your copy of Different Class (we know you own one) and play it loud. Play it proud. And then go get some Human League albums and pelt them at passers-by. Together we are going to change this. Someone call Morrissey! We're on the road to revolution!


  1. Enrique Inglesias is on the playlist. I'm pretty sure he's from Spain! And one of the members of McFly is from Bolton. But maybe I'm being a bit anal about that.

  2. I am of course aware that neither of those places is in Yorkshire.

  3. Look on the birght side. It replaced Galaxy. And ANYTHING is better than galaxy. I was forced to endure a couple of days of Galaxy Glasgow last year, and it was tanatmount to torture.

  4. And Rosie, Enrique Iglesias is Portuguese, NOT Spanish.

  5. No, I was wrong and Rosie was right. No idea whatsoever why I thought he was Portuguese, but Wikipedia (inevitably) says he was Spanish. Sorry Verity.