Monday, 3 November 2008

A Guide To Becoming A Damsel: How To Act In A Way Pleasing To Men

General Appearance (cont.)


Clothes are, as far as anyone knows, one of the four deadly kryptonites for women (we’ll get to the other three later on). Women in the fictional medium of television are always unable to go anywhere without first attempting to try out five different looks for the event, before deciding that their best bet was the first outfit they tried. Now this may or may not be true, but it probably is true, and that’s a problem for us men. We know that you like to look your best, but one thing that needs to be stressed to you is that if you have already got a husband or boyfriend who is waiting for you to dress, then you’ve already won. You don’t need to look completely unique and wonderful all the time. If you happen to be single, however, we understand your desperate lunges through the wardrobe. That’s why this clothing section is going to set down a few ideas that should make things easier for everyone involved.

There are several rules which can’t be questioned. They exist on a different level to all the other rules, and if you’re really going to take all this seriously like you should? You’re going to have to observe these rules to the letter. The first essential rule of Damseldom is to Keep It Classy. That’s not in the sense that Will Ferrell suggests every five damn minutes in the film Anchorman, but in the sense that if you dress like a classless whore, then men will treat you as such. Now, one thing we accept is that there are quite a few women out there who enjoy being treated like a classless whore – and we’re not discriminating against you. However, you probably aren’t going to gain much from reading this, so it’s probably best you go somewhere else now. And if you happen to be a whore who is offended by the implications we just made, then you need to re-read that sentence again. We were talking about classless whores. Not classy whores! Don’t get your legal-to-remove panties in a twist!

So what do we mean when we say classy? Well, for a start, we’re going to have to burn all the different types of miniskirts that exist in the World today. While we don’t doubt for a minute the fact that you, dear female readers, are the very definition of beauty, there are certain women out there who do not understand the concept of dressing their size. We’re talking fat girls here. Not even fat girls. Any girl who wears clothes that are obviously too small to wear are not only deceiving themselves, but are turning off men with the ferocity of a rabid Germaine Greer. It’s not that we want girls to be skinny as models, because the media has made men believe that the only attractive women are the women you see in magazines. It’s that we want you to dress correctly for your size. The nastiness comes not with girls who are overweight – overweight girls need love too, you guys – but with girls who are squeezing themselves into tight skirts that squash all their flesh upwards so it folds over the hem. Excuse us for a moment while we go outside to try and forget about that image.

Any outfit which exposes you exposes you. As a person. It gains you attention, but never from the people you want it to. The “hey look at me! I’m here!” approach to fashion will only ever attract people who have sweaty hetero love on their mind. And rugby players. It will make you far more appealing if you help with the ban on all overly-revealing outfits by burning miniskirts, crop-tops, hot-pants, and all other items of disgustingness. This is a far bigger sacrifice for men than it is for women, but we’ll suffer in silence because it’s for the greater good. Even though the sight of an attractive women in a low-cut top is one of the most wonderful sights imaginable, as the millions of people who watch Dancing On Ice will testify, if the banning of all clothes like that will mean that it keeps us safe from women dressing like they’re still thirteen… then it’s a burden we will carry willingly.

Moving on from this, there are negatives to be drawn from both ends of the spectrum. It’s great if women decide not to dress so fleshulously, but at the same time there was those who overdo it, and dress in suits. This is another item of clothing we’re reluctant to let women wear. On the one hand, it does denote female strength in the workplace, and show us all that women are just as good at maintaining a career as men are. On the other hand, it makes men look weaker than women. Being a damsel means that you have to let men perceive you as weak (even though in reality you’re an ass-kicking girl-power all-action babe), and dressing like you’re about to emasculate the company director of a banking firm with your bare hands doesn’t help that image. Not one bit. We’re going to have to formally request that you take the suits you’ve been collecting in your wardrobe, and throw them all away – or sell them to skinny men – because they’re simply no use to any damsel. You want a Knight to come along on a white horse and rescue you from the dreariness of life, but if that Knight comes along and spots you dressed in a suit, what’s he going to think? “There’s a damsel in distress!” or “That strong, confident woman looks like she doesn’t need any help from a Man!” The answer is the latter. A woman in a suit is committed to her job, and Knights expect their damsels to be committed to them.

Remember: you only need to masquerade as a damsel until you’ve got the Knight of your dreams. Once you own him, feel free to emasculate as much as you wish.

If you can’t wear suits, and you can’t wear any sort of revealing clothes, then what are you allowed to wear? Quite simply, dresses. Plain dresses or elaborate dresses, there’s no limit to what your imagination can turn into fashion reality. Every woman looks good in a dress, be it a little black one or a full on PETA-baiting ballgown. There is a reason why whenever people hold a posh get-together, the invite usually asks for the women to wear a dress – it’s when you look your best. So why not take that best-ness and spread it out over every day of the year? It makes sense if you think about it, apart from in countries like the Arctic where it would make walking an exceptionally difficult chore. In most Western countries, however, it’d just be a minor daily inconvenience. Considering how many daily inconveniences you girls say you suffer through anyway, what’s one more to add to that list? Get yourself in a dress, and you’ll be the talk of the office. It’s a near-guarantee.


  1. The third paragraph almost makes it looked like you paid some attention to my moanings concerning your last 'Guide...', for which I am glad.

    However, I cannot quite believe that I read all of this entry as if I might actually take advice from you, darling Stephen, about clothes.

  2. 'Considering how many daily inconveniences you girls say you suffer through anyway, what’s one more to add to that list?' one more would make it like a million - you have no idea what being a woman IS!

    As for the dresses bit, it is possible to get one that is mini in length and with too much of a plunging neck line. If it was Halloween, I'd say go and look up pictures of Jodie Marsh.

  3. I'll be honest- I find these kind of bewildering. Most of the time it's clear you're joking, but the opinions you take aren't over-the-top enough to be clear satire. You're just using your own opinions, which are maybe slightly sexist, but then pretending to be extra sexist? I don't know!

  4. If women didn't wear suits, there'd be no Sarah Palin.

    Which would make the world inifnitely better.