A woman desperately seeking attention from the general public announced today that she was the subject of teen sex-poppet Katy Perry’s chart-topping song “I Kissed A Girl”. The woman, who refused to be named as anyone apart from Amy Shuker, said that she could no longer stay silent on the issue as she wants to become famous this year and sees this as her best opportunity to do so. At the conference, held in Portsmouth, Shuker accepted the fact that her claim was unverifiable, but pointed that nobody else had come forward to admit to inspiring the song “so it could have been me.”
Perry’s song, which has been number one for two weeks running in the UK, has caused a storm with churches because Catholicism is an essentially prejudiced religion. Other religions, such as Islam and Judaism, have not been brought into the debate because journalists don’t care about them for some reason. It has been claimed that the song either promotes or makes fun of homosexuality due to lyrical content such as lines like “I kissed a girl/and I liked it/I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it”.
Because Perry admits to kissing the girl as a way of getting attention from her boyfriend, she has been called out for making fun of homosexuality in general, although in her defence homosexuality isn’t a real sexual preference anyway because it’s rubbish. In her statement, Shuker, an English student, said that “the whole lesbian drama thing that all the papers have been talking about doesn’t bother me so much as the grammar. She should definitely take some lessons.”
And Shuker also suggested that Perry take a crash course in lesbianism, revealing that Perry “wasn’t the best I’ve ever had. I’d give her about a 5 or a 6 out of 10”. A brief Q&A session revealed that she got her cherry chap-stick from Boots. The rest of the press conference consisted of half an hour of Shuker shouting out her contact details for casting agents.
Perry was unavailable for comment, because we didn’t bother to get in contact with her.
You walk a thin line between satire and reality. If this is your handywork, well done. If this is real, that just makes me weep for the world.
ReplyDeleteThe best thing about all this is that Amy Shuker is the name of someone who I know reads the blog on a semi-regular basis. Holy meta commentary, Mr Controversy!
ReplyDeleteHave The Sun emailed you and offered to pay for the article? They'd probably take it as a serious thing...
ReplyDeleteWell what do you expect in Portsmouth? We're very open to lesbianism, but we are sticklers when it comes to grammar, you know.
ReplyDelete