Wednesday, 27 August 2008

A Guide To Becoming A Damsel: How To Act In a Way Pleasing To Men

A Guide To Becoming A Damsel: How To Act In a Way Pleasing To Men


Women! We live in an age of increased awareness of the fact that you are no longer inferior to men, and in most places in the world we, the men, have begun to accept your equal public status. It’s a difficult transition for us to accept, naturally, as previously we were in charge of everyone. Especially for the white men, to whom no other human could ever be seen as too inferior, the sudden loss of power has been jarring. Sure, we can always block your attempts to take over meaningful roles within government, but that can only last for so long. Sooner or later, the World is going to have to accept the fact that you are every bit as important as we are.

This is a good thing, naturally, and allow us to join you in celebrating this small victory in the long march to World domination (this is your eventual goal, isn’t it?) and happiness for women worldwide. In certain parts of the world women have yet to wrestle back their half of power from male orientated traditions, a failing for which religion presumably should take some of the blame, and society the brunt of it. It can’t have been easy for you to stand up to men and demand your rights and personal freedoms which everyone took for granted back when only men could have them, and it’s a shame that the journey has been so long for you.

Taking back the world has left you with several casualties, however. Scientists are now saying that more women are getting older on their own than ever before, without a partner or family by their side as the long, terrifying walk towards menopause continues ever onwards. You’ve all started focusing on your careers instead, getting yourselves into higher positions of responsibility within your chosen career path and generally showing up the men at every turn. It seems that with great power comes great responsibility, then, and the responsibility of people to continue the human race is getting forgotten, what with all the “finance” and “economic security” that everyone feels a need to seek out nowadays. But surely, given the facts that now women have more money than ever before, on top of the whole finding women with power hot thing that men have felt since the dawn of time, you’d imagine that men would take up the initiative when it comes to dating. Men should be coming up to women more often than ever before, initiating contact and trying to form relationships.

This isn’t happening. There are two possible reasons for why this could be happening:

One: Men aren’t interested in women for anything other than sex. Relationships are horrifying things which no man in his right mind would ever want to get mixed up with because it means that they are no longer able to sleep around and drink a lot with the lads.

As we can all easily accept that men are not that shallow, reason one is not something that can even be considered for discussion.

This leaves reason two:

Two: Women have gotten less attractive.

We don’t mean in the physical sense, because again it has to be stressed that men aren’t that shallow. And anyway, you shouldn’t judge a woman on the way she looks. It’s the personality that matters, so does this modern trend for female singletons prove that women in general have become unlovable monsters whom nobody could ever love? Has the push to be stronger-willed and strongly proud of their own femininity meant that women have isolated the one minority group who never get any sympathy – men?

No and yes. While it’s true that you women have grown in stature over the past few decades, you’re still as likeable as ever you were. Men still like you all. The problem, we’d like to suggest, is not you, but us. We’re feeling scared of women now, because if we say something inappropriate you’ll drop us on the kerb and move on to the next man. It truly is the female revolution, because you’ve realised now that men need you a lot more than you need us, and as a result we have no power left in the war that is romance. You hold all the power, which makes you strong, but fallible. You might be able to dominate us men-folk now, but you’re also more precariously placed than ever before.

Basically put, the problem is that men are unable to connect to women because you hold all the cards. Men are scared of women. That’s what we need to address. Now, we’re not advocating that women suddenly give up their lives and forget there ever was a feminist revolution – heck no – but wouldn’t it be nice if we could all find the person of our dreams once more? In this guide, we’re going to suggest that women should act ‘meek’. You don’t have to be meek for this to work, and it works better if you aren’t, but the important thing is that you learn just what it is that men are looking for in a woman – a damsel in distress. If you ‘become’ a damsel, then men ‘become’ a knight in shining armour, and everyone can be happy. You’ll still be able to call the shots, but at the same time: boyfriend! Wouldn’t that be something to tell your parents?

So on and off, when this feature turns up online, we’ll be giving you advice on how to live your life ‘as a damsel’ so that men won’t be scared of you anymore. If you follow our simple guidelines, then we can nearly guarantee that within mere months you’ll be seeing your life improve. It’s an ambitious project, but one which you’re more than capable of achieving. After all, did you not put the “grr” in “grrrrl power?”


  1. Try talking to some girls before consulting this guide, for your own safety

  2. While reading this, I hear a generic 50's announcer's voice and "big, beautiful tomorrow" music in the background, much like a 50's educational film. Keep up the good work!

  3. A friend of mine opined that he liked movies from the 30s and 40s because the women in them didn't speak until spoken to.

    I found that humorous.

    I'll agree with your general idea that women have gotten less attractive over the years. Indeed, they have.

    Time is not a noble ally.

  4. Well done, author, although you have (somewhat surprisingly) failed to 'bait' me this time. There's still time.

    But can you honestly see ME becoming a damsel? The idea is appealingly ludicrous.

    I'm certain that it wouldn't help me in the slightest.

    Alas, I suppose I have to take your word for this, you knowing all about women and EVERYTHING.

  5. I'm not sure you're the best person to be writing about becoming a damsel.

    I know this is tongue in cheek but 'no longer inferior'?

    I think a lot of women forget that less than a hundred years ago we got the vote and things haven't necessarily progressed that far. Women still make 70 cents for every dollar a man makes. Stupid patriarchy.

  6. Have you ever considered that women may be more difficult to please now-a-days and we don't throw ourselves at the first man that happens to come along because he's there and we 'need' our wombs filling? Ok so that's unfortunatly the scenario with some of my friends but still...

    Women have taken the Feminist thing a bit too far and the media has latched onto that way too much. Women in TV shows are either airheads/damsels or fiesty and unable to find love. The best example is perhaps Cuddy; she's too strong to be loved normally but can't seem to balance her profession or her willingness to have children.

    I think I'm talking garbage so I'm going to leave. However, I'm sure your own experience as a Damsel will certainly come in handy here!

  7. "no longer inferior to men"

    One day you too will be a damsel, Stephe, you just need to learn to follow your own advice.

  8. I like how you've described it as 'the long, terrifying walk towards menopause'. Because that's totally what it IS like. Dude, you're way perceptive.