Saving Everyone From Global Warming: Part 1

Global Warming is coming! The Earth has this shield around it, you see, that protects us from the Sun and makes sure we don’t get turned into the most multicultural barbeque in the Universe. This is a good thing. Sadly, the shield is being weakened by humans (and cows, oddly enough, in the first known case of bovine-human forces uniting on a common front) whenever we burn things because the smoke goes and uses up the shield, which is made of gas, and… well it’s very complicated and scientific, but basically the shield is weakening and everyone is running around in laboratories shouting and squealing about the forthcoming Sweaty Apocalypse™. But while every scientist in the world is busy proclaiming doom, I’ve thought up at least three things that nobody has tried yet, in order to protect us from Global Warming. Sorry, Al Gore - your evil campaign to destroy the Earth has failed! I have not seen that movie.

I’ll only put one of my ideas up at a time, because sometimes it’s really quite a horrific struggle to find something to write about, but the first one, below, is a doozy. Ask yourself: hat does the Earth have an unlimited supply of? If you are currently telling your computer screen “DIY shops” then you are both right and a little wrong. The human race needs to gather together and go shopping for hosepipes. When we’ve collected all the hosepipes on sale worldwide, we link them all together using a revolutionary new technique I call ‘slotting one into the other’ we attach one end to a tap and launch the other into space, towards the Sun.

It might take a while to reach the Sun, so we’ll have to develop super sonic boosters in the meantime, to quicken this whole process – get to it, NASA! Don’t make Britain have to do it, because we’ll only bugger it up somehow. We haven’t even gotten to the Moon yet. We still struggle a little with getting a train to reach Scotland on time. So the hose makes it all the way up to the Sun, and sits around a short distance away so it doesn’t melt (did I mention that the last part of the pipe should be sunproof? If not, then I’d like to make this point now). Then we turn the tap on.

The water will go into the Sun and cool it down for us! This will give us much more time to live on the Earth, so we can do all those cool things we wanted to until as a race we started procrastinating. Hovercars, for example. And even if the Sun, as some people have suggested, would actually not be affected by being soaked in water (what kind of negative thinking is that, you gits?), then at the very least we can drain the sea level by a bit, so that when the ice caps DO melt it won’t drown us all.

This is “Plan A”.