Friday, 18 July 2008

The Problem With Children Nowadays

I’d like to stir up trouble. There are lots of famous bloggers out there who get watched through every minute of their typing days, and I’d like to get knocked up onto their rung of the Internet ladder (at the top are LOLcats. I never said the Internet ladder was fair!) alongside all the cool Bloggers. To do so though, you need to really grab the attention of the World. You need to say something that will get everyone talking – and the best way to do this, in my case, is to say something so terribly horrific that the Daily Mail organise a stoning expedition to my home in protest. So with that in mind, I’d like to talk about child killings.

Got your attention yet, World? Yes, I am intrigued by child killings in Britain. Recently, there have been many, many murders amongst children in my country, and the worst thing about it all is that a lot of these murders are performed by other children. Gun crime and knife crime are presumably on the rise, although I have no research or inclination to prove such a thing. But I have SAID IT, so it is TRUE. Children used to go and strangle their talking Elmo doll when they were angry – nowadays they go and find something less red and furry (I am here referring to 'other children', in case you didn’t comprehend my elaborate metaphor at this stage). It is a bad thing, certainly, and we should all try and stop it.

But how can we? There’s nothing we can do to keep children off the streets of Britain and at home in front of the TV where they belong, because they have “free will” and “human rights”, which are nonsensical liberal ideas which aid terrorists in their quests to do whatever it is that terrorists like to do (terror, right?). So firstly, we cannot do anything to the children to stop them. Secondly, we cannot do anything to the parents, because parents are immune to all forms of emotion. It’s been tried many a time, but there is almost nothing that can persuade a parent to keep their child indoors. It’s a lost cause, you might say… but if you do say this, then you clearly haven’t heard of my new idea to save children from themselves, have you? It’s very simple, really.

Let all the paedophiles out of prison.

This will have an overwhelmingly positive effect on the nation. There are, off the top of my head, at least four things that allowing this to take place will achieve:

1: It will encourage parents to look after their children better, and in the process make parenting more important.
2: It will provide employment to ex-convicts, thus giving them useful roles within society.
3: Children won’t be so eager to go outside and stab each other anymore.
4: It will help us with overcrowded prisons that are a drain on the economy.

Now, I’m not saying that the murdering paedophiles should be let out, or anything – I’m just talking about the hobbyist paedophiles. I don’t want a spate of child murders on my hands! Ha! But seriously, and I’m not just saying this for the huge spike in reads that it will bring my blog, mostly from bemused Daily Mail readers and inland Americans (“howdy” to “y’all”), we should definitely consider letting the paedophiles out of jail. I’m not saying this to be offensive! I’m just thinking of the children, that’s all. In the long run, this will help the country.

As a side-effect, however – I’m looking at both sides of the coin here, don’t worry. I’m like Two-Face, in this regard – enacting this might help send the BNP to Downing Street. So if we are going to free the paedophiles, we’re going to have to think of a way to stop the BNP from capitalising on our idea and making it seem “wrong” and “immoral”. My solution here is simple: We fill Parliament with paedophiles.

Honestly, there is absolutely no problem with society that can’t be fixed with paedophiles.

....See you on Technorati, everyone!


  1. It's probably a good thing you're going in to writing rather than politics, Steve...

    I fear you.

  2. Because of the assumed inherent positive effect this would have on parent-child responsibility, I quite agree with your suggestion.

    It's so sick and twisted I'm kind of surprised (and a little envious) I didn't come up with it.

    Then again, I'm more into the permanent removal side of things.

    Great idea, nonetheless.

  3. If you ask my Grandad, all kids should be up at the crack of dawn in the summer holidays going tatie picking, to keep them out of trouble. I can see his point although I think that there are already too many Peado's touring Downing Street...That's a bit low, or am I thinking about the White House again?

  4. this post is wrong is so many ways. how the hell do you actually write about letting these type of people out of jail? b/c then parents will watch their children more closely? are you kidding me? if parents arent watching their children in the first place what makes you think that this would change anything? the predators are still going to be out there no matter how many are already in jail. use your brain. this is so insensitive. why would you put children in harms way b/c you think that if these people are out of jail their parents would watch them better. how do you know that their parents weren't watching them and hoovering over them in the first place? most of the time these molesters are people who you would trust with your life and are blindsided when you find out something like this has happened. who is the person you trust the most in your life? now, how would you feel if you left your child alone with them and found out they did something like this? i guess by your theory it would be your own fault.

  5. So, in order:

    1: Who says I'm not going into politics? I said no such thing.

    2: Permanent removal... of children? Actually, that's genius.

    3: I think it's a darned shame that potatoes don't grow on trees. Imagine the fun you could have if instead of conkers, you tied a potato on the end of a piece of string and fought with that?

    4: But apart from that, do you like my blog?

  6. I think we should leave them in prison, but remain hoovering the children.