Wednesday, 18 June 2008

What the F Buttons Are For

At the top of your keyboard, right now, are a set of keyboard buttons. Each of them starts with the letter F, accompanied with a number of some kind. It was believed that these buttons are simply here to look pretty… but it turns out that each one of them has a pretty clear purpose. I’ve stumbled across a document which details what happens when you press each one – and I’m unveiling it here, on Wilftonville, for the whole internet to see.

F1 load up the help page, so you can work out how to use a computer.
F2 sends a small signal to your internet provider, so they can find you if you get lost on the moors.
F3 brings up the ‘search’ toolbar, so you can look for a specific word on an internet page,
F4 sends a virus to Steve Jobs’ personal email account (not valid on Mac computers)
F5 refreshes the internet page that you are currently browsing.
F6 asks all your friends if they’ll join you on the ‘zombies’ facebook application.
F7 turns the light outside your house on and off.
F8 kills a fairy every time you press it.
F9 offsets your carbon footprint (formerly it would motivate a cat to kill itself)
F10 launches a small swarm of carnivorous bees towards the west coast of France.
F11 makes your eyes larger the first time you push it, then returns them to their original size on the second push.
F12 switches round the North and South Poles.

So, uh… don’t press F8.


  1. *guffaws*

    For the record though. I can't remember ever having pushed F8.

  2. Me neither! It just sits there, looking guilty.

  3. I think they changed F6 to "Bumper Stickers", since pretty much everyone's on Zombies or some form of it now. Though, rumor has it, they're developing a new program that randomly generates "events" to go to. I mean, how else do you explain so many "I've lost my phone, so I need everyone's numbers" parties? (Oh, and I hope you don't mind, you're on my recommended reading list on my blog. I like your material.)