Sunday, 1 June 2008

Twin Cinema: Things Films Have Taught Us (Part 6)

Getting your hand cut off will increase your effectiveness in battle
See also: “George Lucas has a severed hand fetish”. The two greatest Jedi were Anakin and Luke Skywalker, right? Well, you know what made them so great? The fact they had their hands snipped off. If you happen to be a Jedi, it’s well worth exploring limb-lopping opportunities, because it will make you better. Same goes for anyone stuck in a haunted cabin – the replacement hand/chainsaw will ultimately make you invincible, incredibly strong, and help you improve your witty banter. Seriously kids, I highly encourage you to cut off your hand. Did I mention it protects you from being possessed by Satan?

Terrorists With Computers Can Do Anything
If plotting an evil terrorist scheme, your first step should be to hire some computer hackers, because through the use of their computer they can affect anything, and are especially good at causing things to blow up for no reason. Luckily, the hackers themselves are skinny simpletons who despite being able to use a computer to shut down a nuclear reactor across the other side of the world, are unable to fathom the fact that once they have completed their task, they are no longer necessary to your plans. This is why hackers never take over the world – they aren’t leadership material.

There Is Always Time For Some More Sex
No matter if you are being chased by robots, ninjas, dinosaurs or the government, as soon as you stop for a quick rest in a motel, feel free to have a night full of magnificent sex. Nobody bothers tracking at night-time, so you can really take time with the other person, who will almost certainly be female because you are almost certainly male. The one exception to this is if the girl happens to be your girlfriend or wife, in which case you should abstain from having any sex until your pursuer is dead, because otherwise they will find and kill you mid-coitus.


  1. Well duh... there is always time for a bit more sex. Any horror film that doesn't have an 18 stamp doesn't have sex in it and isn't worth watching.

  2. Except for Titanic, because apparently Kate Winslett's breasts are family-friendly.

  3. Titanic is a horror film?

  4. That's what the iceberg is there for.