Bears.

Did you ever hear the story about a family who went trailing through the woods for a weekend, only to encounter a bear while they were sat down in a picnic area having lunch? The bear didn’t mind their presence, but started making his way through some food they threw to him while they filmed. In an act of supernatural madness, the woman rubbed her toddler’s hand with honey and offered it to the bear so he would lick it off – adorable! The bear bit off the toddler’s hand.

Just goes to show that Bears are vicious bastards who want to kill everyone you know and love, really, doesn’t it? But aside from stupid tourists, most people are safe from bear attacks – especially in Britain, where we can rest easy in the fact that bears are not native to the country anymore. The only bears you’ll find in Britain are zoo escapees or sentient ones from Darkest Peru, who will leave you alone in exchange for marmalade. If you do ever come into contact with one of the creatures, however, then I only hope that your will leaves everything to me – bears will seriously mess you up. They’ve got an incredible bulk, to start with, which leaves them able to ram you or pounce on you without any kind of resistance, and then they’ll start with their sharp, sharp claws and tricky teeth.

If a bear jumps at you, there is almost nothing you can do to stop it. Their bulk, as just mentioned, means that even if you were to try a dropkick or something to stop them, you are only going to end up with a crushed leg. And those teeth I spoke of a second ago – those teeth can cut through most anything. Their claws are sharp, and they back them up with a strength that has enabled them in the past to decapitate people with one blow. One unlucky bastard got his faced ripped off by a bear – and survived to tell the tale. Don’t let anyone tell you that just because bears are big they are also slow. One of the most famous meals that they enjoy is fish, and have you ever tried to grab a fish out of a river? That stuff is tricky, man. Those bears are damn sharp to catch onto these fish so quickly. What distinguishes them from the monstrous gorillas, however, is their brain. They have less of one. If a gorilla sees that you are no threat, it will possibly leave you alone – there’s always this possibility that it’ll work off and you’ll be fine – but a bear is far less predictable, because it has less sense. In a similar vein, never go to Scotland on your own.

Bears, like gorillas, generally live in wooded, forest areas, which means that the only people who should panic are those unlucky sods in Surrey. Oh, but wait! Bears also can live in the city, just like foxes. Remember how a few years ago everyone was talking about urban foxes? Well how’d you like to meet an urban bear? Everything that makes a fox badass – snappy attitude, snarky wit, well dressed (my entire knowledge of foxes stems from Roald Dahl stories) – is intensified with bears. They are less witty, snappier, and tend not to dress themselves entirely. And if you meet one in the street it won’t run away like a fox would, when instead it could happily be eating your face. There’s a reason that asshole upper-class country-dwellers don’t go bear-hunting, you know!

So bears, as you can tell, are vicious and evil creatures that live solely to kill. Just like gorillas! The difference being, though, that gorillas know when they are beaten. A bear does not. Did you ever read the Brer Rabbit stories? Brer Fox barely ever came close to catching the furry hopper, but Brer Bear got the upper hand time and time again (only to eventually be tricked). Don’t be fooled when people say that brain always defeats brawn – they’ve never had to wrestle a bear.

Verdict: Bears win.