5: Halting The Tower Of Babel
Once upon a time, God got really annoyed with everyone on Earth, so he killed them. A master of genocide, God decided that a flood would be the best thing for the job, so he picked the one man he did like (Noah, in case you haven’t already guessed) and told him to build an ark, and fill it with all the animals on earth – but only two of each kind. With that built, God made it rain so much that everyone was drowned apart from the people on the ark (we presume that unicorns were left off the guest-list), and Noah was stranded out on his own for a while. Once the floods subsided and the world was probably strewn with the millions of animal corpses that had drowned along with the humans, he touched down and founded a new city, where new people would live.
From Noah’s family grew the foundations of a city, where everything would be nice again. But oh wait, we’ve been here before, and it never ends well. The people of Babylon, this new city, decided to unite together in the spirit of achievement and harmony, and create a tower so high it could ‘touch heaven’. It's fair to say that God did not like this idea.
So What Did God Do?
Well according to sources, it seems that he knocked it down with a big gust of wind. The Bible doesn’t specify this, but seeing how the Tower doesn’t exist anymore, it’s a fair guess that God pushed it over, likely crushing the hundreds of people who lived in the shadow of the thing. His reason for this was that he didn’t like the idea of humans building something just for the sake of showing off their ability to be good, when they should have been praising him instead. This seems a little petty, again, when you consider it. God created mankind in order to spread his glory across… a planet he created and populated himself (God must have self-doubt issues, it seems), but as soon as they show off their creativity and ability to create amazing works of art, he strikes it down. That’s hypocritical at best, and at worst... it's a dick move on his part.
God doesn’t stop with destroying the tower though. His first move in actuality was to scatter all the people who had worked on the tower across the globe, and in the process creating several different languages so nobody would be able to talk to each other anymore. This is the reason why, when you go on holiday to Bordeaux and ask someone for directions, you get a smirk and a “ah, you eez eeennglish, non?” in your face. God did that. In the process, he effectively created the concept of war, xenophobia, racism, all of that, because whereas before everyone was friendly with each other, now we had a whole host of different races and languages walking around, causing friction with each other.
The people of the World have to suffer war, racism, and - worst of all – The Eurovision Song Contest. What, never heard of a metaphor, God? Did you actually think the builders planned to touch Heaven with their tower? Heck, we STILL haven’t managed to build something that tall, even with computers and metals and alloys and stuff, so why did you think the ancient people would be able to? We think perhaps you had too much confidence in these folk, m’Lord…