God's Five Most Dick Moves (Part 4)

4: Killing Moses

Once Moses saved his people from slavery, he realised that he didn’t really know what he was doing or where to go. In essence, they were all trapped in the middle of a desert. Before his people got wind of this and started ironically congratulating him for his heroism, he got on the mystic phone to God and asked for directions, which God gave him. From then on, Moses was guided through the deserts for forty years by the Almighty, who also provided them all with food and water, like a good creator should. All this time, Moses was a good leader, and God gave him ten commandments for the Israelites that Moses told them to obey, and everything seemed like it was going just fine and dandy. However, Moses made the mistake of being impatient. God told him that if he were to bang his staff on a rock, water would flow for the people to drink, so Moses did so. When water didn’t flow out immediately, he hit it again. Mistake!

So What Did God Do?

God took Moses to one side and told him that after all the effort he had gone through to guide the Israelites through the desert, where they had been struck by plagues and attacked by other armies and groups that they had encountered, he wasn’t going to be allowed to make it to the end. No, because Moses had been impatient that one time, God decided that the poor feller would die just before everyone got there. let’s just clarify this: Moses has done everything that God has told him to for most of his life (and what a life: the guy lives to be about 120 years old), follows the big guy blindly through deserts – freakin’ DESERTS – for decades, and then at the end of it all, he’s denied the chance to have a happy ending because he hits a rock twice instead of once.

To rub salt into the wound, God tells Moses that he’s going to die before it actually happens, thus giving the old geezer a probable heart attack. From there on in, we imagine he probably wasn’t as happy as he was at the beginning of the adventure. He was almost certainly going to be less adventurous, knowing that at any minute God might snuff his lights out. Eventually, Moses is told that it’s his time, so he gives a big speech to his people and then wanders off to die.

Result:

Doesn’t quite end there, actually. God must’ve been feeling a little petty or something, because when Moses wanders off to the top of a hill to die, it just so happens to be a hill that overlooks Israel – or as we call it, THE PLACE MOSES WILL NEVER GET TO LIVE IN. Yes, one last twist of the knife as Moses looks out and gets the chance to experience the pain every contestant on Bullseye must ever have felt when he got to “see what you could’ve won”. And then, only after Moses is feeling totally depressed, does God finally kill him and take him up to Heaven. What a tease.