The Cheeky Monkeys

I don’t keep up with British TV, because I believe that it is being used as a device to destroy the soul of our country, and that it weakens the free-spirit of our children and scares the elderly. Every so often I am dragged across to see something, and last night that something happened to be a little TV show called Britain’s Got Talent. “What a quaint show this will be!” I thought to myself, for in my mind I am an elderly woman. “I do so hope that it celebrates the best of British talent and helps strengthen the resolve of our army in Iraq.” I’m a concerned young man when it comes to the welfare of our troops, and I’ll be the first to admit it. I physically cry every time I see someone wearing a red beret in the street, from the sheer memory of the fact our troops are out there right now, fighting so that people will stop fighting the British troops in Iraq. I care deeply, as you can see, about the welfare of the nation.

It seems that I was watching the wrong places! While the first act was a set of dancers who performed a routine that any Royal Variety Show would be proud to host, and the second act was a University student who could bend herself over backwards (yes, she was Asian, but I cannot confirm nor deny that the Chinese Government broke her spine in order for her to be able to achieve this. I don’t have the resources. I did make several sexually inappropriate jokes about her during the routine, because I like to make people laugh and my grandparents were looking a bit bored). This is all very well and good, nothing wrong there, no reason to panic about the state of Britain. And then these two came on.

They call themselves “Cheeky Monkeys”, which is interesting because I’ve never met a child in my life who ever uses the word “cheeky”. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that cheeky is a word only ever used by twee mothers who think their abominable spawn are actually being endearing while they happily maul the curtains. It gets worse. The idea behind their routine is that these two little children do a dance routine involving high kicks, cartwheels, and an odd finger-shaking routine which I believe was taken from a 50’s musical about the joys of black segregation (does such a musical exist? I would love to see it). So yes, our television at prime time is devoted to seeing young children dancing. This offends me on several levels, and my inner granny on many an occasion has been tempted to write a scathing letter followed by a knitted scarf to the ITV executives because of this repeated sight.

And it’s not just because the girl wears a short skirt that is completely inappropriate and should get her mother sent to prison for months and months and months. This is though, admittedly a factor in my hatred for this particular act. My main problem is that they expect the British public to find this sort of performance to be ‘cute’ and not ‘creepy’, when obviously the parents are demented. How would they like to be up there under the spotlights, performing a ridiculous and sexualised dance in front of the whole of Britain? Quite a lot, I’d imagine. They’re probably sat up in the crowd taking photos, which they’ll then photoshop their own faces onto. Parents should never be allowed to have kids.

Just looking at this photo makes you a sexual predator.