I Would Only Have Sex With Paris Hilton In An Ironic Way

Paris Hilton came to Britain recently for some reason or another, and the press went absolutely mental for her. And I mean, they really went for her. It was somewhat similar to the scene that greeted Christ when he came back to life, only with higher definition cameras and a more reputable source. She’s very famous for getting naked on a video, you see, a video of highly dubious moral value. Basically, she had sex with this bloke and then put the video online and got famous for it. She followed up the movie with some other movies, of equal moral value but with less sex in them, and a TV show. Most of this commercial output is garbage aimed at the lowest common denominator. The worst thing, though? Paris Hilton knows that this is her target demographic, and she goes out of her way to hit it.

To keep her fame at the astronomical levels it currently resides at, Paris is seen at least once a week doing something vaguely sexual, like get out of a car with no pants on under her dress or do a revealing photoshoot with a glossy magazine (glossy for your easy use, gentlemen), which will then let the papers go apoplectic with rage at how Paris Hilton is still famous, despite being a flagrant hussy of some form. This in turn thus continues her fame, and everything carries on in a bitter circle of hate and anger which leads to Paris Hilton simultaneously being the most beloved and most hated celebrity of modern times.

She has a reputation, and I don’t know if this is earned or not, I don’t have anything against her for it, of being a little bit… slaggy. Word gets around that she gets around, if you see what I mean. It’s possibly what she is most famous for. Countless articles and online sites track her sexual… progress, sometimes in eye-watering detail. Because she has this reputation as being pretty darned easy, a backlash has begun against her, with many men saying that they wouldn’t sleep with her, no matter how attractive she might be at the time, simply because of the way she looks. And I’m with you there, people. I would never, ever, ever dream of sleeping with Paris Hilton.

Unless it was ironic. Recently it has become cool to be lame, as long as you do it in an ironic way. This is why everyone loves a bit of Rick Astley – you can like his music, and if someone catches you, then you are able to simply say “I’m only listening ironically!” and everyone will let you off the hook. I have similar feelings towards Paris Hilton. After all, at the end of the day she’s just a mildly attractive blonde woman – and that word there, ‘woman’, that’s EXACTLY what I look for in a woman. That she be a woman. I’m not picky.

So yeah, if nobody was looking, I’d have sex with Paris Hilton. Hell, it’d make a great story to tell people in the pub, regardless of how it happens. But just remember: I’d be doing it ironically.