Thursday, 10 April 2008

The Entirety of Mark E. Smith’s Interview With Uncut Magazine

Uncut Magazine: Hello.

Mark E. Smith: Morning, mate.

UM: So, we hear there’s going to be a new album coming out from you soon?

MES: Nope.

UM: Really? A DVD, then, perhaps?

MES: Nothing like that. Hey, but this might interest you. Heh. I hit a badger with my car yesterday.

UM: You did?

MES: In my defence, I thought it was a black man.

UM: What?!

MES: I have black people. We should burn them all. And those low-down dirty Jews, as well.

UM: Why are you telling me this?

MES: The best thing would be if we could force all the women to be naked 24/7, so I could see their bits whenever I wanted. Heh-heh-heh!

UM: I’m not sure what…

MES: And what’s the deal with orphans? “Wah, wah, my parents were in a carcrash.” Grow up, you little brats! Gay people smell bad.

UM: Can we talk about something less controversial, please?

MES: All drugs should be legal and abortions should be available for 9-year olds. I see nothing wrong with the occasional murder, as long as you really think it’s necessary. Hitler was right in many respects, regarding the purification of mankind.

UM: [Singing] Kittens! Rainbows! Happy thoughts!

MES: There is no God and we’re all going to die, you realise.

UM: Happy thoughts! Squirrels! Chocolate!

MES: Did you just say… squirrels?

{cont. on page 93}

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