Thursday, 20 March 2008

Twin Cinema: Things Films Have Taught Us (Part 4)

Ugly but funny guys can pull girls like Kate Beckinsale
Beaten round the face when you were a kid by bullies, causing you to develop a speech impediment? It’s going to be okay, my friend. Look at Adam Sandler – he’s managed to pull Kate Beckinsale, Drew Barrymore (twice!), and Joey Lauren Adams, among others, without breaking a sweat. All you have to do is act really, really, really retarded and you’ll get your girl. And Rob Schneider will encourage you if things get tough.

Aliens Prefer To Take Over Planets On A One-To-One Basis
The biggest fear of all humans is alien invasion, but luckily aliens are all of them vengeful animals with unfulfilled rage issues, and as such will take the fight against Earth down to a personal level. They will fly right down and get out of their vehicles of unending destruction, and start fighting humans one at a time. Whilst they will manage to kill a number of us in highly inventive ways, the good news is that by not wiping us all out from the beginning with a death ray the aliens give us (well, the Americans) the chance to find out a weakness they can exploit, thus killing off all the aliens in the one fell swoop they themselves were unable to emulate.

Serial killers are shy, retiring types
They’re nasty people, we all know serial killers are total nutjobs born in trailers and raised wrong, but they’re also very shy. If you’re menaced by a serial killer, you’re totally safe as long as you can’t see anyone in a mask. If, however, there is someone with a mask near you, then they could well start slashing at you immediately. You see, killers don’t like people to see their face while they kill, because they are all ugly or weird-looking. None of the killers in the Scream series were much to look at, right? They all looked weird and dangerous. Make sure all your friends are virginal brunettes, and you’ll be fine.

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