Monday, 3 March 2008

Family Films Which Will Warp Your Child

To celebrate the child in all of us, let’s have a look back at some classic family films, and why they are in fact dangerous and will turn your children into terrifying perils to society. Hurray for liberal ideals taking over the past and ruining your childhood! Hurray for them!

1: Back To The Future

The adventures of Marty McFly were chronicled in what could honestly be called the best movie trilogy of all time. There are no missteps here, no poor third film to drag down the others (see: Spiderman) and the films wrap up perfectly by the time film III is over. The acting is fun and the plots are entertaining, while the jokes work and there are people flying around on hoverboards. This is a film for the ages, and kids are bound to love it – did I mention the hoverboards?

Features: Incest, Rape, Jaywalking

Ah, yes. There are several points in the first film where Marty almost has sex with his mother before he is even born, blowing up the corpse of Freud as he spins in his grave in the process. And yes, we’ll admit this, there is a ‘minor’ rape scene when Biff forces himself on Marty’s mum in a car. She gets rescued, luckily, but not without a few bruises. And finally, Marty breaks the Green Cross Code repeatedly through all of the films, first by skateboarding haphazardly round the town square whilst Biff tries to kill him, and then repeats the same act (on a hoverboard, natch) in film two, narrowly avoiding other cars both times. This can’t set a good message for the children.

2: The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy

Peter Jackson’s trilogy is another which could contend for the greatest film trio in history. It’s aimed mainly at geeks, but children love it too, as they watch Frodo attempt to make his way to Mt Doom (why would anyone name it that?) to destroy a ring. Meanwhile, Ian McKellan watches on and shouts from time to time, wondering what else he has to do before they’ll give him a role in one of the Harry Potter films. It’s a rip-roaring swashbuckler, guaranteed to keep the kids on the edge of their seats.

Features: Depression, Multiple-Personality Disorder, Animal Cruelty

Good point. And don’t forget how they kill off most of the heroes at one point or another. The depression comes from Frodo and the other hobbits, who get seriously bleak as the films go on, before getting happy again, before then becoming really depressed again. Seriously, half the endings to the film (there are many endings to this film, one after another) are all about hobbit depression. And if you want your kid to see all about how multiple-personality disorder affects people, show them this film for an entirely sympathetic view to the plight of sufferers. They’ll learn that anyone who has this has a good side and an evil side, who talk to each other in mirrors (see also: Heroes). The number of animals who die for no reason in the films is pretty staggering as well – in the final film, count how many of the elephants get killed. Harsh, dude.

3: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

A fun film which combines the real world with the world of Disney characters! Roger Rabbit is a hilarious romp for everyone, featuring cute cartoon characters fighting to save their town from the evil villain, all seen through the eyes of grumpy private detective Bob Hoskins. Physical comedy combines with slapstick to give the whole family a treat every Boxing Day, the only day of the year anyone will ever show this film on TV.

Features: Alcoholism, Bestiality, Cartoon Porn.

I forgot about that. This film is a lot grittier than you remember it, people. Bob Hoskins has fallen into alcoholism after his brother was killed (by a falling grand piano – oh, the bitter genius!) and drinks heavily throughout the film. When he’s not drinking himself drunk every third scene, he’s being attacked by smoking weasels (no seriously, they have cigars) or getting pissed off with Roger, himself the most annoying cartoon character of all time, almost certainly. It’s all good, because we know in the end it’ll sort itself out – but what about when Jessica Rabbit shows up? Do you really want your kids to see her, and realise that not only are we meant to fancy this animated character, but that within the context of the film she has sex with Roger Rabbit? Who is, lest you don’t get it, a rabbit? I thought not.

4: Finding Nemo

A cutsey computer animated film from Pixar which explores the lush surroundings of the sea as Nemo’s bedraggled dad tries to find his son, who has gone missing, aided by a gormless fish, some pelicans, and a stoned turtle. They sure do have crazy minds, those writers. The adventure gets really exciting once some sharks come onto the scene, as the search for Nemo starts to become pretty darned intense. Featuring fun and colourful ideas at every turn, what family wouldn’t enjoy sitting down for a while to watch this film?

Features: Death, Parental Neglect, Talking To Strangers

Maybe a family who don’t want to bring up these points into conversation. At the start of the film Nemo’s mum gets eaten – well depressing, by the way – so he is raised by his dad, who is overly protective, right up until the time when he neglects his son and the kid wanders off on his own, gets captured, has all manner of wacky adventures. If this isn’t a bad enough experience to foist on your children, watch in horror as Nemo merrily talks to every single damned thing he meets, and imagine what this is going to mean the next time a drug dealer offers your child some sweeties. It’s not going to end well, is it?

5: Mary Poppins

The biggest family classic of all. Mary Poppins is THE film for any family who want to pass a rainy afternoon, offering lessons in how to make cleaning your room fun (hint: have a magic room that dances for you) or drinking your medicine. That actually may not be too good for your kids if they get their hands on your medicine cabinet, now I think about it. But regardless, this film features pure celluloid joy, with the family learning how to be happier people from Ms Poppins herself, and they dance and sing together and everything’s a jolly ‘oliday for them.

Features: An LSD Trip, Murder

Oh dear. Halfway through, the gang jump into a street painting and magically turn up in a fantasy world filled with singing geese and penguin waiters offering them drinks… If that’s not a sign of LSD intake, then I don’t know what is. When your children ask you “how comes they got inside the painting, dad?” just remember that your answer should not at any point refer to the fact that the street sweeper has probably drugged them so they won’t notice while he molests them (Now THAT is unwarranted slander). Mr Banks gets fired from his job at the bank, so he tells his boss a joke. The boss then laughs so hard that he has a massive heart attack and dies – that’s murder. But the film glosses over this, as Mr Banks gets his job back afterwards and everything ends happily. Except for the bank manager’s family, of course.

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