Why Bono Should Be Stopped

In continuing the recurring theme on this blog about what people can do to help the Environment, allow me to make a quick suggestion for you all. This is an idea given to me by a noble man called Simon Readman, who is an intense environmentalist, as well as dashingly good looking and single (if you want his phone number, ladies, leave a comment below). His idea is swift, simple, and startlingly obvious when you think about it: we must eliminate Bono.

I want to make it clear that I do not make this statement lightly, nor is it in any way based on the fact that I don’t like U2 and Bono’s tendency to wear sunglasses all the time makes me uncomfortable because I never know where he is looking. No, this is for the benefit of the Environment, so it is. The human race is expanding rapidly, all the time, because of all the sex people are always having (seriously – get a room, human race), and most of them currently live in poverty. Bono wants to stop this. He wants to ‘help’ Africa by giving them money to develop schools and factories and all manner of buildings. If everything goes according to the plucky Irishman’s plan, eventually the country will have enough infrastructure to support itself.

Sounds nice, until you realise that once Africa is self-reliant, they’ll start wanting to produce electricity, and this is going to mean more fossil fuels being burnt up and possibly even some nuclear power-plants. Hopefully you see what I’m driving at; by helping Africa, Bono will inadvertently help the Greenhouse Gases win. Africa will become a happy country up until the point it gets burnt to a smoky crisp by the Sun. Do we really want this? Global Warming is proving darned tricky to prevent as it is, and if we allow Africa to start building factories and machinery and all those things that help a country have an economy, it’ll only speed up the time it takes for the Sun to destroy us all.

So Bono must be stopped. We’re going to have to sacrifice Africa to save the World, but (speaking as a European) I’m not too upset about that. Rather them than me, I say.