Monday, 21 March 2011

Rejected Dr Who Villains

Although an exceptional font of camp, filled with mad characters, poor sets, odd acting and illogical plot twists, Doctor Who prevailed. Until it was cancelled by a BBC who could no longer handle Sylvester McCoy's insatiable appetite for blood. When the series returned this decade after years of limbo, it was streamlined. The show was sharper, stronger, with less time for idiocy. The villains had to seem powerful and terrifying, and create complex metaphorical allegories which illuminate the way our society attempts to run itself.

But eventually Russell T Davies ran out of ideas and starting throwing any old bollocks at the wall to see how much garbage he could get past the audience. If it weren't for the strength of character possessed by his producers, we would've seen some truly awful creations appearing on our television screen to fight David Tennant. The producers hoped that no website peddling barely-read cultural content to a largely disinterested fanbase of four people would EVER find out about these plans. Well bad luck, producers! Because Wilftonville have found out everything!

For the first time, we can serialise the release of some of the most bizarre creations to ever come from the mind of a human. These are the REJECTED Doctor Who villains...!

#1 Bi-Mop

Bi-Mop is a filthy, noodle-ridden rag which attained sentience after The Doctor's attack on the Daleks radiated a nearby planet filled with kitchen cleaning appliances. Incensed by this enforced life he has been given, the Bi-Mop can grow several extra heads whenever it wants, each of which hates the Doctor but has a different accent. The normal head speaks with a German inflection, while the other heads are Italian, Belgian, Russian, Cuban and Canadian. Bi-Mop LOVES listening to Scissor Sisters and delivering long-winded monologues. He has a computer on which he constantly plays footage of the most prominent news channels on Earth, all of which are hosted by stern African-American women.
Bi-Mop isn't strictly gay, but he does have a boyfriend who is human.

No comments:

Post a Comment