Friday, 28 November 2008

Ten Reasons You Shouldn’t Have Sex With A Vampire

1:Vampires are dead. You are having sex with a corpse. This is illegal in most countries.

2: Vampires have super-strength. If you have sex with one, they will probably shatter your pelvis (among other things)

3: Vampires can’t get you pregnant.

4: Vampires have no blood circulation, so they won’t be able to… perform… certain tasks.

5: Vampires have no body heat. Having sex with one would be freezing.

6: Vampires will never age. You will get older and older, until they get bored of you and dump you.

7: Vampires aren’t real.

8: Vampires sleep in coffins. Coffins get cramped if more than one person occupies them at a time.

9: Vampires are pale. They probably glow in the dark. Ew!

10: Vampires are f***ing EVIL.


  1. Wait... having sex with dead people is illegal?

  2. If you're caught. And if you have sex with a vampire... that's a walking witness, right there.

  3. The Actual Thomas Williams29 November 2008 at 22:32

    My prime suspect for that would be Jack, but I doubt he reads this, which would mean it must be Rosie. Except she probably doesn't read it either. Perhaps it's Steve trying to stir things up, particularly seeing his latest journal entry.

  4. #4 is pretty much a tossaway in my mind. For some people that'd be a bonus, for some people, (ie men) getting pregnant isn't really an option.

  5. The pregnancy one is number three, not number four. I wish I were more surprised by the fact that nobody who reads my blog has any basic numeracy skills... but I'm just not. And I made a mistake with that one. It's meant to say "Vampires can't get you pregnant... unless you are a man, in which case the baby will erupt from your stomach two weeks later".

    Also, the mystery of the dual Thomas Williamses... that's hilarious. I had no idea that first one wasn't him (and still believe it may well have been him)

  6. just be grateful i do read your blog.

  7. You're my favourite!