Dear Sophie Ellis-Bextor,
On the Jonathan Ross show a long time ago, you met in the green-room a backing musician for the musical guest of the evening, and fell head-over-heels for him, and given your passion for big heels that must have been quite the tumble! But in all seriousness, I was crushed, as a fan of your music and a fan of your body, and it hurt me a little. Eventually, my therapist told me that perhaps I should let it go – after all, you were happy, and that’s all I ever wanted. I still had my hallucinogenic dreams. I got over you.
We didn’t hear from you for a while, and I missed your unique brand of glam-disco-pop music, because nobody else has anything like the same amount of style as you do. (Not even Rachel Stevens, and she looks amazing in a bikini.) You were gone so long, it turned out, because you’d had a beautiful little baby with your new musician husband, which brought back all the feelings that I’d kept bottled up for so long. My only consolation was knowing that I was a highly-regarded factual blogger, whilst he was unknown and unfamous worldwide. I am a lot more loved than he is.
Well, that all changed, didn’t it? Because your husband became a member of a band called ‘The Feeling’, who got very famous very quickly in Britain a year ago. I got to see him for the first time, and I felt horrible.
He’s dreamy, Sophie. Even I would be tempted if he came over to me at a bohemian jazz-bar and asked me to have a drink with him. It was awful. Your husband was dreamy, and he was a musician who made decent little pop songs, and all I have are my legions of online fans. I consoled myself with the fact that at least this proved once and for all that your taste is fabulous. There are millions and millions of men out there who aren’t good enough for you, so the fact that you settled with the handsome lead-singer of a band was fair enough.
Then I saw an interview with your husband, Dan Gillespie, where he said that he was gay. And then he referred to his band-mate Richard Jones, who was “married to Sophie Ellis-Bextor.”
All this time, when I thought you were dating the rakish lead singer of The Feeling, I was wrong! But oh well, Sophie. Every member of a group is important, apart from the drummer. You can replace a drummer with a drum-machine and not notice. So at least you… wait. Richard Jones? You married… Richard Jones? You married… this one?
Why the hell have you married THE CREEPY ONE, Sophie?