Monday, 7 July 2008

The 007 Faces of Pierce Brosnan

Oh Pierce, you were the very best of Bonds and yet the very worst of Bonds. On the one hand, we have Goldeneye. On the other, Die Another Day. How one Bond could run from one of the best Bond films of all time to easily the worst Bond film of all time is beyond us, and yet we never get up on you. After Bond finished, we traipsed along to see that Matador movie and all those Irish dramas you did that had orphans in (although we didn’t make it to the end of them, the mere fact we tried to should give us points for effort, surely?). We like you, y’see. You’re a decent feller, and we think you’re funny and witty and revitalised the Bond series way before Daniel Craig came along. And even though we say Sean Connery was our favourite… in our heart of hearts, the flame burns for you, Pierce Brosnan.

Which is utterly fantastic, considering you only have seven different facial expressions.

This first came to our attention while watching the godawful-looking trailer for ‘Mamma Mia!’, which you’ll be starring in this summer with the oddly hot coupling of Meryl Streep and Julie Walters (it’d be wrong to find them attractive, but yet it feels like the right thing to do). Like we said, the trailer looks like a mess of a film that all but the most fanatical and mad of ABBA fans could ever love, and you’re dead in the centre of all of it. In fact, we have reason to believe you might even sing a song or two, which shows commitment to the material at least. But… how come you have such a limited array of facial expressions? We love you anyway, but after some rather thorough research on Google images we realised that – yes – you only ever wear one of seven different facial expressions. And here they are.

1: The ‘I’m Suffering For My Art’ Look. You’ve been run through the mill. Your tank has run out of petrol, you’ve been shot at, and you can’t for the life of you remember what you’re doing out here in the field when all along you just wanted a nice lie down. Life must be tough sometimes, eh? Don't worry, I'm sure that you'll stop being wet/covered in smoke sometime soon. You're close to giving up right now, but we're sure that you won’t give up, because... well, that’d be a very Irish thing to do now, wouldn't it? Oh, wait…

2: The ‘Sweet Jesu, I’m Suffering For My Art’ Look. For when the previous look just doesn’t quite convey how much you’re suffering, you open your mouth a little wilder and shake your head from side-to-side a few times. Whoo-whee! At this stage the only thing that’s keeping you going are the startlingly perky breasts of your female companion, who at this point has shown several indications that she would like to sleep with you but has not yet given in to your charming, charming smile.

3: The ‘I’m Having Sex! I’M HAVING SEX!’ Look. You sly old fox, Pierce! You’ve finally gone and bedded the girl after exchanging a series of increasingly dirty, neurotically challenged and downright odd entendres, and you’re really enjoying it. You grab her shoulders, you stare blankly into her eyes, you make no effort to kiss her at all, because you’ve already had the sex and you don’t need to anymore. Your hair isn’t one strand out of place, and you are da man.

4: The ‘What?’ Look. Not everything that happens to you makes sense, and it just so happens that they’ve blown a bomb up right in front of you or assassinated someone you like. This prompts you to raise a quizzical eyebrow just like Roger always used to do, before darting your eyes from left to right as quickly as possible. If you have the time, you’ll wipe your mouth with the sleeve of your jacket and look at it for a short while. Verbal communication is minimal – everything you need to say is being said by the state of disrepair that your dinner jacket is in.

5: The ‘You Betrayed Me/I’m Being Tortured!’ Look. Every time! Every single god-damned time someone betrays you, and this somehow means that your shoulders have to start dancing. Once they get bored of this they start a simultaneous war on your neck while you keep your head at a jaunty angle and squint/stare concurrently at your betrayer. If you have a gun, you put it unnecessarily close to their face and try not to blink, while your cheeks contract and your mouth shrinks. You are annoyed!

6: The ‘I’m In Complete Control’ Look. Things eventually go according to plan, and James Bond is allowed to start relaxing. So this means, Pierce, that your shoulders drop down to where your knees are and you start focusing on things out of picture. Generally you then let your co-star do all the talking while you fix a steely gaze on anything that moves – which will always pay off, because there was one more guard walking around than you originally expected, and you’ll have to take him out in a minute. This is the opposite of your ‘You Betrayed Me’.

7: The ‘Something Interesting Is Happening To My Right’ Look. This is by far the most common Pierce Brosnan look of all time. It comes out whenever a situation arises that doesn’t call for any of the other six looks, and at times sticks around for minutes on end before you move to something more comfortable. What is it that you can see above your head, Pierce? Do you have pet moths that fly in unison around you, or is this just part of an intricate game you’re trying to play with us. Whatever the answer, I do not like it Pierce and I demand that you get some new faces immediately, please! You’re acting next to MERYL STREEP, for goodness sake! You’ve got the advantage over Colin Firth’s three faces, but seven different looks are simply not going to cut it against the Streep. Why not try a ‘I’m feeling jovial’ look? In reality, you actually smile sometimes – could you try that perhaps? We’re sure you’d look lovely if you showed off that nice smile of yours once in a while. At the very least, stop looking at something above you if you aren’t going to tell us just what it is you can see. It’s not fair.

Moths? Tiny planes? What is it that you're looking at, Brosnan?


  1. ...floating dandelion seeds? Men's souls?

  2. I don't like Michael Ian Black. I LOVE him. haha and don't apologize for walking in uninvited. I enjoy having strangers read it, well, as long as they don't write mean comments.

  3. i only saw one face... the face of a retired 00 agent.

  4. He's blatantly just checking out women, when he looks off to the right. because all the attractive women only stand to the right of him. nowhere else.

    if u look, when he has sex, the women are always ever-so slightly to the right of him.