The last time IEF went to go visit Hell for a while, there were nine different circles going on with all different people in them, having not fun times with fire and ice and snakes and boiling lava and stuff all putting them in pain. It isn’t the best place to go visit, but we were commissioned to take the piss out of the sinners, and a paycheque’s a paycheck, folks. Who are we to turn money down? We got asked to return last year for a bit, and were offered an even bigger cheque this time round. Y’know why? Because they’ve done some refurbishment since we were last there, and they’ve added a whole new set of circles to go on top of the nine that are already there. Limbo’s been got rid of, and so Circle 1 is now home to a group of punishments which are known as “the kinda harsh tortures”. They established nine more groups of people that they thought needed to get some torture done to them, and they now live in the first circle of Hell. Here they are.
Sat in a room with no natural light source, the people who turn the light on when they enter a room even when the light doesn’t need to be on are forced to read aloud novels by James Joyce, straining their eyes terribly in the process. Once they finish each book, they are sent into the room of enlightenment, where they must stare unblinking at a fluorescent light for a period of time decided by their guards.
A set of low-rent flats house many sinners, who must live out their lives from their room whilst hell-demons and devils have noisy sex in the room next to them, the werewolf above their room jumps around every night making wolf-noises, and vampires listen to their goth-metal music really loudly in the room below them. For these are the bad neighbours, who made earth a hell for the people who lives next to them, and they will pay for their inconsiderateness.
The people who dress up their pets and children as if they were adults live nearby, where their punishment is to eternally try to clothe a sabre-toothed tiger whilst it is still alive. Whenever they attempt to dress the animal up in clothes, it will maul at them and rip them to pieces, only for them to be reincarnated at the end of each day to try and fail again.
In the lake of pity, a giant fish slaps the vegetarians who for some reason think that it’s okay to eat fish repeatedly, in the face, with his tail tearing their skin off with the sandpaper-like scales that adorn its body. However, whenever the fish tires, pigs and cows and sheep will come and sooth the wounds of these sinners, even though they are pretty hypocritical.
In punishment for their haste, the motorcyclists who don’t follow the laws of driving have to walk forevermore down the wrong way of a motorway, heading to Hull. As they go many of the cars will clip them or run over their feet. Whenever they get close to their final destination a car will pull out and drive onto the hard shoulder illegally, skip some traffic lights, overtake a car they shouldn’t, and hit the motorcyclists, sending them flying back to the beginning, where they must start the journey again.
In the supermarket of hell (Tesco), many women will have to wait in line for the check-out for years on end without being allowed to put down their heavy shopping baskets, thus causing their arms enormous pain. When they do get past the checkout, their bags will break and they will have to go through the whole process again. This is the punishment of the women who get to the end of a checkout without having already got out their cards and money ready to pay for their shipping who then start looking through their handbags for them and waste everyone else’s time.
Although unused as of yet, there is a small amphitheatre built in this circle of hell which will soon house all of the dull singer/songwriters who thought that by making boring music they can appeal to the mass market of teenage girls who fancy them, where they will have to listen to each other perform in concert.
The final area of this new revamp of the first circle of hell is for fat people. This place has no connection to those who are glutinous, instead serving as a giant fitness centre where fat people will have to train incessantly whilst a tray of tantalising cakes sits nearby. Whenever they stop their cardio workout to head towards the cakes, the cakes will morph into ferocious elephants that will grab the fat people and use them as a bowling ball down an alleyway of fire, before they hit the pins made of pure electricity. Then they have to get back to work before boxercise starts. It turns out, you see, that nobody likes fat people.
So those are the new additions to hell, which shows no sign of losing any of the horrific charm which has kept it the only place for sinners to go when they die. They promise to add even more areas soon, and I’ve been told to come back and see them ‘up close’ in 62 years, which seems awfully precise, actually, now I think about it…