Tuesday, 18 March 2008

The Five Best Ways To Kill Mario

The Best Ways To Kill Mario

Mario is one of the quintessential heroes of the modern age. Alongside a hedgehog, an elf, a bear/bird combo and... uh, Rayman, the plucky Italian plumber is one of the ‘elite’ computer game characters, someone who is utterly untouchable as far as heroics go. He fights giant dinosaurs and saves Princesses, and he doesn’t even need a shotgun to do it! (take that, Bob Peck in Jurassic Park!) Many people, if pressed to choose their most beloved computer-game hero, would go for Mario, making him not only powerful, but popular too.

But what about when he gets a little too powerful and popular?

Well obviously, we have to kill him off before he starts developing an ego, and in Super Mario 64 there are many, many ways to do this. You can drop him in lava, electrocute him, make him fall off a cliff because a penguin pushed him – the possibilities, if not endless, are at least varied and highly entertaining. Because we know you people don’t have time to get out your N64 though, we thought we’d list out five favourite ways of killing off the red-hatted Italian for you. We’re so good to you.

5. Squashed
I don’t know how many levels this can be done on, but if you go to Tick Tock Clock, there are these platforms that float up into the air and then drop down, and you’re meant to climb onto them to reach new levels. Don’t do this though, kids. Instead, wait until they lift off the ground and deftly manoeuvre Mario underneath, and then cackle malevolently as the block proceeds to squash the feller. Interestingly, sometimes his body vanishes when this happens, which suggests that when this happens he is squashed completely flat and sticks onto the underside of the platform as it takes off again. In any case, there isn’t any blood, rendering the realism of the game sketchy at best.

4. Drowned
There are many, many situations where you can drown Mario like a rat in this game. Which one you like the most is up to you, although I have a particular fondness for the aquarium bonus level, because there is no air in the room at all. The whole building is just one watery death-trap, thus rending the death of the plumber inevitable. There is literally nowhere he can escape to! By killing him in this room, you also learn a valuable lesson about curiously walking into ill-lit areas to see what are in them – because all you’ll find is certain death, kiddies. In fact, even when you win the area and pick up the star, that in now way automatically brings Mario out of the room. Every time you win that level, he presumably dies! Damn, Nintendo, but that's dark.

3. Flown Into A Building
This is probably only possible on two levels, being the mini-area where Mario is granted the wing-cap and the outside of the castle, once you’ve completed the game. In both cases, you should knock Mario down to very low health before flying him directly into one of the big buildings. His bonce will bounce off the building and he’ll fall downwards, either landing in the courtyard and promptly collapsing, or falling into an infinite sky. In both cases, the fun comes from the dozy “mmmph!” noise Mazza makes when he crunches into the building, as you can audibly hear his nose crumble upon impact. For more fun, give him a long build-up of flying fun before splatting him against the side.

2. Eaten
On the Tiny-Huge Island (I don’t think that is the actual name of the level, but I can’t remember everything, can I?) there is a giant fish floating around one of the levels for no reason. Whilst all the fish on the tiny part of the island are, indeed, tiny, only one of them is actually inflated in size when you go to huge island, which must mean it ate all the others. This fish also wears a pair of outlandish sunglasses, despite having no ears, which is undeniably amazing. Anyway, if you swim Mario out to where this fish lives, then instead of it leaving the guy alone to enjoy a peaceful swim in his dungarees, it will instead eat Mario whole. Even though Mario is proportionally as big as the fish, the thing will swallow him whole and risk simultaneous organ failure just so the plumber dies. Clearly, this biker-fish is the greatest thing ever.

1. Swallowed In Quicksand
Easily the best way to kill Mario, take him to Shifting Sand Land and enter the pyramid, which is inexplicably filled with metal structures and electric monsters which I can’t imagine are ever actually found in Egyptian structures. Those people were clever, but not that clever, dude! Anyway, jump over the barrier and stand in the sandy floor, and you’ll notice Mario very slowly get sucked downwards. Mario himself realises what’s happening quite slowly, until he gets up to his chest and starts trying to wade out. There’s no way to survive though, not when we have control of his body functions – sit back and crack open a cool beer as you watch him vanish before your eyes, sticking out one hand in the air in silent salute before the ground claims him back. You can do this in a number of different poses too, and I recommend experimenting with the different positions you can suffocate him in.
In all seriousness though: don’t stand in quicksand, children.


  1. Mario - probably my least favourite computer game character of all time!

    That said, I'm still sort of in love with Pacman.

  2. The thing is with Mario is...well, he's just a bit of a dork. May hedgehogs beat his arse forever!