Saturday, 2 February 2008

Why America Should War With Mongolia

My personal stance on war is: it should only ever be against parasitic alien bugs. No fighting between humans should be allowed, because if we’re ever invaded by aforementioned alien monsters, we’ll need to team up to kill them all off. But yet, in this specific instance, I feel we should allow America just this one little war.

You see, America have never properly won a war, in my opinion. Sure, they were on the winning side for WWII, but they were barely involved in that one properly at all – twas the Russians reeeeeeeeally. And England (not Britain) too, naturally, because England is the most heroic nation on Earth even though technically we’re not actually a nation but shut up. They had that Independence Battle against us, but we let them win that one because we had bigger things to deal with. Namely, saving all of Europe from Napoleon. So yes, we gave them that one. In the years that have gone by though, America has been just itching to have a proper war that they can win, on their own, to make themselves feel better about not being able to pronounce the word “aluminium” correctly. They went over to Vietnam for reasons I don’t quite understand (although I believe that the President was forced into this war by Oliver Stone so he could have a career), and lost that one, and they are currently slightly maybe perhaps not quite winning in Iraq. I don’t want to make any guesses on that one, it could go either way.

And now America is looking over at North Korea and Iran with narrowed eyes, whispering something about “goddamm foreign yuppies” and preparing to attack them. To this I say: do not do it, America! You lost against Vietnam, right, and they don’t even have nuclear weapons! How are you going to do against countries that slightly maybe perhaps do? Don’t even go there! The rest of the World doesn’t want you to go over and attack these countries – this is ALL YOU. We know, alright? It’s been a long time since you won a battle, and your actors barely ever win Oscars anymore cos of Australian and Brit actors, and you’re still jealous you never invented the Beatles… but there is another way to save face.

Attack Mongolia.*

Mongolia has a proud history – Genghis Khan used to be in charge of that place, and once upon a time you couldn’t walk in a straight line for bumping into Mongol warriors. They’re a pretty cool nation, that owned a lot of the World for a long period of time, but the thing is - they are no longer any good at fighting! Their army has sucked for centuries now! Heck, I bet they haven’t even got steam power yet, let alone nuclear capability! Go attack them! You can go over, bomb the hell out of them, and then stroll back into the UN building with a cigar, smiling, and tell everyone else “hey guys, guess who just themselves won a war, eh?” Wouldn’t that be fun? Plus, I’m pretty sure they’re all Buddhists or something, so you can release all that pent-up racism you’ve been storing ever since you realised that Muslims don’t believe in Christ. And the Buddhists will forgive you. It’s in their religion.

So as far as I'm concerned, what's stopping y'all?

*I’m sorry, Mongolia. Nothing personal.

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