God’s Five Most Dick Moves (as retold by humans)

Anyone who believes in God can generally agree that he’s done some flipping amazing things over the past few years. This is a being who has not only created the World, the Solar System and… well, the Universe at large, but also lets us pretty much do whatever we want with it. Yet sometimes he feels that he has to get involved. He feels like he needs to interrupt the fun that humans are having and replace it with some Hard Moral Lessons. It’s at these moments when we realise that God might not be such a good guy after all. In fact, looking back over the different pieces of literature that have been written about him, he comes off as a bit of a dick, actually. Prove it, you ask? Well since you ask so kindly…


1: Allowing The Fall Of Humanity To Happen

God had set up Eden, a new world where his creations ‘Adam’ and ‘Eve’ could frolic around and have a marvellous time, playing with animals (which may or may not have included talking unicorns) and singing a lot. It seems that Eden was a paradise as such, where nobody went hungry or got ill or ever hurt themselves, and the only problem that anyone ever had was deciding which of the animals they should eat next. Adam and Eve were allowed to live here so long as they didn’t eat any fruit from the intriguingly named ‘Tree Of Knowledge’, because if that happened they would die. But then Satan snuck in through the back door dressed up as a snake, and things went downhill somewhat for our plucky heroes.

So What Did God Do?

He set the whole thing up! Firstly he calls the forbidden fruit “the forbidden fruit”, which practically begs for someone to eat it. Secondly, God hasn’t told Adam or Eve what this ‘death’ actually is. They’ve never seen anything die before, because everything in Eden regenerates whenever it gets injured or eaten or partially blown up or whatever, so telling them that eating the fruit will lead to their imminent death isn’t really going to worry them too much. As if this weren’t enough, he lets Satan into the garden.

Yes, the very same Satan who has a grudge against God and has previously announced his intentions to bugger things up as much as he can for the big guy. God actively lets this guy into the garden, and when he sees Eve get corrupted and walk over to the Tree Of Knowledge does he throw down a thunderbolt to stop her, and frazzle the talking snake of evil? No, no he does not. He sits on his throne and lets the whole thing happen.

Result:

Once both his humans have become aware of the fact that they’re, like, totally naked and stuff, God sends Jesus down to throw ‘em out of Eden, because he can’t be bothered. He sentences snakes to a lifetime of crawling around on their bellies… which seems a bit harsh considering they weren’t really responsible for Satan taking their form. He then decides that Adam will have to work the rest of his life, and thus suffer from the exhaustion that brings. Oh, and he decrees that from now on all women are going to suffer agonising pain during childbirth, for good measure. Way to overreact there, God.